So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
