Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
