so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
