You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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