I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
