We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My liver is preforming stress tests.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
