I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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