hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
