she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
