Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
