i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
