Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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