I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
