Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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