Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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