fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
