I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
