Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
