If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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