i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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