"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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