I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We have started to decorate penises.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
