Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
