My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
