I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
