New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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