Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
