Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
