please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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