I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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