I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
