he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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