Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
