Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
