I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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