my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
