fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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