last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
