This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
