In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
