I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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