i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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