Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
