he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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