I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
