I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
