I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
