i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman