Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.