i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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