I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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