All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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