So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
