Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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