Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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