Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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