no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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