i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
