Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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