Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you traded sex for a burrito?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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