My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
