so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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